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Chapter Five:

An Unwelcome Welcoming Wade



Every Halloween, Old Hobby instructed the Van Brunts to get various things to aid the goblins in their toe tormenting. It was standard practice to stock the garden pool with turtles. Turtles that would bite!



Old Hobby and the other goblins loved seeing a woman's toes and feet getting munched on by turtles! As Old Hobby had once told the Van Brunts with a big grin on his face, "Turtles are our favorite toe-bitin' critters! You can't have much more fun than to see a good ole turtle like a mud turtle or a sanpping turtle chompin' on some lady's toes whilst she is screamin' and hoppin' and dancin' all about! Turtles make for wonderful fun!"



Old Hobby didn't want the women's feet to be seriously damaged before the goblins could have at them, so he had the Van Brunts stock the pool with Eastern mud turtles instead of snapping turtles.



"Yes," Old Hobby had told the Van Brunts just a dew days ago with a malevolent grin on his face, "mud turtles has big heads, long necks and strong jaws. If picked up, they will often attempt to bite. Now the reason they bite so hard is they have very powerful muscles at the back of their heads which means that they bite hard for their size. When they bite, you can be sure it's gonna hurt! Larger turtles can break skin! Also watch out for their claws, which is also very sharp! Some mud turtles is mild-tempered, but most is feisty and do not hesitate to bite! If a lady steps on 'em or near 'em, a well-fed turtle will mostly pull into its shell. But a feisty turtle will chomp on a lady's toes just as soon as look at her, even if it's well fed. And we are gonna make sure that our mud turtles is feisty and not very well fed! We're gonna make sure that when our mudders comes across a lady's juicy toe or a succulent part of her foot, why that turtle is gonna dig in and chomp on that toe or foot real good! Because I'm gonna be usin' my telepathy to tell 'em to go for the ladies' toes ya see!"



Old Hobby had chortled at the thought of creating an army of toe-chomping mud turtles!



"Now," Old Hobby had said, winding up his turtle discourse, "Eastern Mud Turtles have sharp, pointed jaws like snappin' turtles do. The difference is that the Eastern Mudder – although it has a powerful bite – just doesn't have as powerful a bite as a snapper does! If a snapper bit a lady's big toe, it'd take the whole toe, and that lady just wouldn't be good for no more pranks! Plus me 'n' the boys would be deprived of that toe! But an Eastern Mudder is a different story! If an Eastern Mudder bit a lady's big toe, a little turtle would pinch the hell out of that toe, and a big turtle would sink its beak into that toe! Either way that toe is in for some excruciatin' pain!"



And the bare toes of Jenny McCarthy, Taylor Swift, and Sarah Palin were, indeed, in for some rather excruciating pain! For the Van Brunts had stocked the garden pool with six Eastern mud turtles. Old Hobby's telepathy would ensure that the turtles were feisty, hungry and vicious when they encountered the bare toes and feet of the three celebrity women!



"All right, ladies" old Mrs. Van Brunt said, clapping her hands again like some elementary school teacher "to the garden pool! Just wade barefoot into the garden pool, so we can take a photo of you! We'll hang one copy of the photo in our Hall of Guests, and you each get to keep a copy as a souvenir!"



The three women padded barefoot over to the edge of the pool and looked down at the water. The film crew, who had been filming the three women ever since they had entered the limo back at the airport, now dutifully followed the three women over to the garden pool, filming their every move.



Mr. Van Brunt began taking pictures with his digital camera.



The garden pool was full of aquatic plants. Goldfish darted about its waters. Tadpoles propelled themselves here and there by means of their wiggling tails.



The three women – who all had a tomboyish streak – smiled down at the harmless aquatic creatures. They then stepped into the garden pool. Taylor first. Then Sarah. Then Jenny.



The women luxuriated in the feeling of the cool water on their bare feet and toes.



Jenny McCarthy looked at the Van Brunts and said, "Okay, now what?!?"



"Gather around each other," Mrs. Van Brunt instructed, "and stand together for the photo. It's also a tradition to wiggle your toes!"



The three women stood shoulder to shoulder and began wiggling their bare toes in the garden pool.



That's when Old Hobby sprang into action. He used his telepathy to make contact with the six Eastern mud turtles that lurked on the bottom of the garden pool.



Old Hobby concentrated and made a telepathic link with the six Eastern mud turtles on the bottom of the garden pool: Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater. Old Hobby knew the turtles would follow the same instinctual strategy as any turtle – biting down on their prey and then never letting go; biting harder and harder and harder – but, unlike an adult snapper, who would bite a woman's bare toe clean off, Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater would just cause Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny quite a lot of pain!



And that's exactly what Old Hobby and the other goblins wanted to see! They wanted to see Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each biting one of the celebrity women's bare toes! They then wanted to hear Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny scream and to see the women hopping and dancing around in agony! They wanted to watch as each of the turtles munched down on one of the celebrity women's bare toes, biting harder and harder on their selected victim's soft, tender toe flesh!



Now awakened from their mid-day snooze by Old Hobby's telepathic signal, the mud turtles could smell their prey! They all inhaled and drank in the sweet, tangy aroma of Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny's toes and feet! The turtles loved the pungent smell of sweat, leatherl, and feet that emananted from the celebrity women's slightly smelly toes!



The women were following Mrs. Van Brunt's instructions to wiggle their toes.



The turtles caught the motion of the women's bare, wiggling toes in their fields of vision and thought, What are those things?!?



Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater sniffed the air, and the sweetly pungent odor of the women's toes was heavenly to them! The turtles drank in the pleasant aroma of the women's bare toes and exulted in the scent of prey! They knew these things smelled like something they had bitten before and…ENJOYED!



From their respective positions in the pond, Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater all poked their heads forward a little to get a closer look at the tasty-smelling prey that was just inches away from them. The turtles were famished! It had been awhile since they had had his last meal.  



Now it seemed that their next meal had finally arrived! Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater all began their approach. When turtles are in the water out in the wild, they hunt by approaching prey with a slow-motion walking movement and grabbing it in the blink of an eye. Each of the six turtles now took a couple of steps in the direction of the women's wiggling toes, and they all craned their necks forward.



In just a few minutes, the six turtles had made their respective ways to the women's bare, wiggling toes. With their necks fully extended as they were, the tip of one of the women's bare toes was just a couple inches away from one of the turtle's heads. Yertle stood directly in front of the upward-curving tip of Taylor Swift's protruding right big toe. Cap'n Crunch stood in front of Taylor's right middle toe. Harrying Harry stood in front of Sarah Palin's right big toe. Orville Bite'n'chomper stood in front of the third and fourth toes of Sarah's right foot. Myrtle stood in front of Jenny McCarthy's prominent right big toe. Pokey the Piggyeater stood in front of Jenny's pinky toe.



Old Hobby had directed the turtles to focus on the women's right feet. It had a nice symmetry and allowed the turtles some room to maneuver.



Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each looked one of the women's toes over, and then fixed his or her eyes on the tip of the bare toe in front of its beak.



What is that thing?!? Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater thought, as each gazed at the tip of one of women's bare toes, Well,  whatever it is, it smells really good! In fact, it smells delicious! It smells like some sort of…prey! Something I've tasted and…really LIKED…before! Excellent! I'm gonna make a meal out of this thing! As soon as I get close enough, I'll hook my beak into it and bite off a piece of it! It's lunch time!



Each turtle stared hard at the toe in front of its beak. Each turtle thought, Is that some big, fat, juicy worm?!? Some kind of incredibly tasty grub perhaps?!? It LOOKS like some kind of worm or grub!



Yertle, who was closest to Taylor's protruding big toe, then thought, But it's HUGE! It's the biggest worm I've ever seen! It's…it's…GINORMOUS! And now this ginormous grub is MINE!



Harrying Harry stared at the plump, juicy tip of Sarah Palin's right big toe and also thought the worm he was seeing was huge! In similar fashion, Myrtle stood in front of Jenny McCarthy's prominent right big toe and thought it to be a huge worm or grub!

Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater all thought. Whatever they are, we're gonna munch on them but good, because they smell so damn tasty! When we get close enough, each of us is gonna snap his or her beak shut on the end of the worm closest to him or her! Then each of us is gonna bite and bite and bite the worm we've chomped down on ! Each of us is gonna bite a piece off of our respective worm, and EAT it! Each of us will gobble down the tasty piece of worm flesh we've bitten off! Then we're each gonna bite the worm we've chosen again and again and again, tearing more pieces off of it, and eating the tasty morsels of worm flesh until there's no more worm left to eat!



Each turtle was now almost beak-to-toe with the plump, juicy tip of one of the women's bare, wiggling toes.



Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each took another step forward and then slowly moved his or her head forward, almost touching the tip of one of the women's bare toes with his or her beak. Each turtle thought, This delicious-smelling worm that I've got my eye on is now within reach! Hah! This stupid worm doesn't even know I'm in here! He must be blind or something! He's as blind as he is fat!



Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny were totally oblivious to the danger lurking just millimeters from the tips of some of their bare toes! None of the women was looking down, so none of the women had noticed the turtles moving beneath the water toward their bare toes. The tip of each turtle-selected toe was basically kissing distance from the beak of one of the six turtles if kissing was what Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater had had in mind. The menacing little reptiles had, of course, something far more sinister on his mind! They weren't going to kiss the women's bare toes, they were was going to bite them!



The sweet, slightly musky odor of the women's bare toes filled the turtles' senses. Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each stared hungrily, greedily, lustfully at the tip of one of the women's bare toes. The smell of the women's bare toes fanned the flames of the tiny turtles' already intense hunger. One of the women's bare toes was looming right in front of the beak of each one of the turtles!



Yum! Yum! YUM! Yertle thought joyfully as he stood beak-to-toe with Taylor's protruding big toe. These worms smell soooooo juicy sweet! And the biggest, fattest worm of all is right in front of my beak! Mmmmm! Mmmmmmm! Mmmmmm! This big, fat worm looks positively yummy, and he smells soooooo good! Hmmmmm…it's odd, though, this plump and juicy grub doesn't smell like any other worm I've ever had. But who cares?!? He still smells really yummy! I bet he's gonna taste better than anything I've ever eaten! Besides, het's right in front of my face, and he's mine! All mine! Yum! Yum! YUM!



Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each inspected one of the women's bare toes with predatory interest, like a hungry man or woman examining a juicy steak or a bird eyeing a worm. Each turtle thought, Okay, there are basically two ways I can go about seizing this worm in my beak. I can crane my head forward just a bit more and bite it! Or I can pull my head all the way in and then launch my head out at the worm in an authentic, old-fashioned mud turtle of a snap! Why be satisfied with half measures?!? I'm gonna pull my head in and then launch it out at the tip of this fat, juicy worm and give the worm an authentic, old-fashioned mud turtle of a snap! God, but this fat, juicy worm looks and smells yummy!



Every fiber of each turtle's being was now focused on one of the women's bare toes as potential food. Each of the little mud turtles – its expression maniacally fierce and its glaring little eyes protuberant – pulled his or her head back like a coiled steel spring, opened his or her tiny jaws, and tensed to strike.



The tip of each bare toe selected by each turtle was right at the end of each turtle's bite range! Each turtle's head would now be able to accelerate the full length of his or her neck before his or her beak made contact with one of the women's bare toes!



Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny still had no idea that there was a horde of hungry turtles in the garden pool! The women had no clue that each of the very hungry turtles was about to bite one of their bare toes!



Okay! Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater thought. IT'S WORM-MUNCHING TIME! TIME TO BITE THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF THIS FAT, JUICY WORM! TIME TO SINK MY BEAK INTO SOME TENDER, TASTY WORM FLESH! THIS WORM IS ABOUT TO GET CHOMPED!



Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each thought, It's GO TIME! The little turtles' heads darted out at the tip of the bare toe each had selected like snakes' heads striking out at a group of poor, unsuspecting animals…



…then STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE STRIKE! Like bolts of lightning, without warning!



Each little snapping turtle shot his or her head forward with astonishing speed, his or her mouth wide open, toward the thoroughly vulnerable tip of the bare toe he or she had selected! Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each found his or her mark! When each turtle had extended his or her long neck to its full length, the inside of his or her mouth made contact with the bare toe he or she had selected!



That's when a bewildered look flashed across the face of each of the three women for the briefest of moments as each of the turtle's mouths made contact with the tip of the bare toe he or she had selected.



Each of the turtle's jaws then clapped shut on the plump tip of the toe he or she had selected with an audible snapping sound! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!



These were no love bites, no little nibbles like a boyfriend or husband might administer to a bare toe! No, these were something altogether different! These were all out, toe-chomping, flesh-piercing, feeding bites – the kind that a hungry mud turtle like Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, or Pokey the Piggyeater would administer to a bare toe! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!



Each turtle's strike had real momentum to it, too, so the sharp points of each turtle's beak stabbed into the tender, tasty flesh of the toe the turtle had selected with surprisingly brutal force! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB! STAB!  



None of the turtles managed to pierce any of the women's skin, but the turtles' beaks jabbed down hard against the soft yielding flesh of the bare toe each had selected!



Each turtle completed his or her lightning fast strike by munching down hard on the fleshy tip of the bare toe he or she had selected, delivering the coupe de grace, as it were! Yertle, Cap'n Crunch, Harrying Harry, Orville Bite'n'chomper, Myrtle, and Pokey the Piggyeater each bit down on the plump, juicy tip of the tasty bare toe he or she had selected with incredible savagery! MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH!



Yertle bit down hard on the protruding, upward-curving tip of Taylor Swift's right big toe, seizing her toe flesh in his beak and pinching it with astonishing brute force! Cap'n Crunch munched down on the tip of Taylor's right middle toe, giving it an excruciatingly painful, pinching bite!



Taylor's eyes bulged in her head and she screamed! She stumbled backward a bit and lifted her right foot out of the water!



One of the MTV cameramen zoomed in for a close-up of Taylor's face. A second cameraman then zoomed in for a close-up of Taylor's sopping wet, turtle-munched right foot! The second cameraman said to himself, Holy shit! She's got turtles on her toes, and, from the looks of things, they're biting the crap out of her bare piggies! This is great!!!



Mr. Van Brunt also continued to snap away with his digital camera! He wanted to capture all of the action on film!



Taylor stared in amazement at her right foot as it emerged soaking wet from the garden pool! There were two turtles on her foot! One turtle hung by its beak from the protruding tip of her big toe! A second turtle dangled from the tip of her middle toe by its beak! The pain that coursed up to her brain from the tip of her big toe and the tip of her middle toe was astonishingly intense!



Taylor seized her right foot in both her hands like some sort of cartoon character who had just been given a hotfoot!



Taylor hollered, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH! MY TOES! MY – OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWW! – MY BIG TOE! AND – OH, MY GOD! – MY MIDDLE TOE! THERE ARE – OW! OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWW! – TURTLES ON MY TOES! AND – AND – THEY'RE BITING ME! THEY'RE BITING MY BARE TOES! OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! MY TOES!"



Harrying Harry snapped his sharp beak shut on the meaty tip of Sarah Palin's right big toe! He snatched the tip of her big toe up in the sharply-hooked tip of his beak and bit down on it with all his might!



Orville Bite'n'chomper bit the tips of Sarah's third and fourth toes, taking her toe tips into his beak and munching down on them with predatory savagery!



Sarah's face contorted in pain, and she shrieked!



A third cameraman zoomed in for a close-up of Sarah's face!



Sarah jerked her right foot out of the water and gaped open-mouthed in utter disbelief at the sight of her bare foot with two turtles hanging off of it! Sarah grabbed her right foot in both hands and howled in pain! It felt like someone had taken two pairs of scissors to the tips of her bare toes!



A fourth cameraman zoomed in on Sarah's right foot! He whistled silently to himself and thought, Jesus! She's got a couple of turtles on her foot, too! From the looks of things, those turtles are wailing on her bare toes with their pointy beaks! That's gotta hurt like a son of a bitch!



Sarah screamed, "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOUCH! MY TOES! OH, MY GOSH! MY TOES! THERE ARE A COUPLE OF – OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – A COUPLE OF TURTLES BITING THE CRAP OUT OF MY BARE TOES! ONE'S – OH, JEEZ! – ONE'S GOT MEBY THE TIP OF MY RIGHT BIG TOE! AND – OW! OW! OWWWWWWWW! – THE OTHER ONE IS BITING TWO OF MY SMALLER TOES! OH, JEEZ! THESE TURTLES ARE BITING ME SO DARN HARD! THEY'RE – OOOOOOOOOOH! OH! OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – MY TOES! MY TOES! MY TOES!"



Myrtle clamped down on the tip of the prominent big toe of Jenny McCarthy's right foot with her pointed beak and bit it with amazing force, delivering a pinch to end all pinches!  



At the same time, Pokey the Piggyeater took Jenny's entire right pinky toe in his beak and crunched down good and hard on the base of Jenny's bare toe! It felt to Jenny like someone had simultaneously stabbed the top and the underside of her toe with a couple of knives! Jenny could also feel that her entire pinky toe was inside something's mouth!



Jenny's eyes widened in terror, and her face became a mask of pain! Jenny screamed good and loud!



A fifth cameraman zoomed in for a close-up of Jenny's pain-ridden face!



Jenny lifted her bare foot out of the water and gazed in horrified amazement at the turtles hanging by their beaks from her bare toes! One turtle had seized the fleshy tip of her big toe in its beak! The second turtle had taken her entire pinky toe into its beak! And both turtles were biting down on her toes with frightening force! The pain shooting up from Jenny's toes to her brain was absolutely astonishing!



A sixth cameraman zoomed in for a nice close-up of Jenny's sorely-afflicted bare right foot! He thought, Oh, man! Look at those turtles go! One of 'em is biting the crap out of the tip of Jenny's big toe! The second one has got her entire pinky toe in its beak! Jesus! That's gotta hurt!



Jenny seized her right foot in both hands and howled with pain! She, too, resembled some sort of cartoon character whose foot was being assaulted!



Jenny yelled, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YOWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH! MY TOES! MY BIG TOE! MY PINKY TOE! THESE – THESE – TURTLES! THESE TURTLES ARE – OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! – THESE TURTLES ARE BITING MY TOES LIKE – LIKE A COUPLE OF WILD ANIMALS! THEY'RE – OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – THEY'RE – OH, MY GOD! – THEY'RE TRYING TO BITE MY BARE TOES OFF! JESUS! THEY'RE – OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! OH! OWWWWWWWW! – THEY'RE EATING MY TOES! THEY'RE ACTUALLY EATING MY TOES!"



The three women created an astonishing commotion – splashing water everywhere! – as they each hopped on one foot toward the edge of the garden pool while clutching the other foot in both hands!



Taylor, Sarah, and Jenny then sat down on the edge of the garden pool next to each other. Each woman brought her right foot to rest on her left knee with its sole turned upward at an angle perpendicular to her knee. Each woman continued to clutch her right foot in both hands and to howl in pain!



From their hiding places in the shrubbery, the goblins had a ringside seat for all the toe-chomping, turtle-y action! They loved what they were seeing! They loved seeing the women's bare toes being thoroughly tormented by the toe-munching turtles!



Old Hobby, who could sense everything that each turtle was sensing gave a telepathic report to his comrades:  Their toes taste yummy, lads, especially their large 'n' lovely big toes! Oooooooh! Yum! Their flesh does taste sweet! Each turtle is thoroughly enjoyin' his or her catch! They're lovin' the taste of these ladies' toes! Mmmm!Mmmmm! Good!



All the goblins telepathically snickered and guffawed at the women's predicament!



The MTV film crew gathered around the three women, getting lots of excellent shots of their bare feet and turtle-chomped toes!



Sarah Palin looked directly into one of the cameras and shouted, "Don't just stand there filming these stupid turtles biting the heck out of our bare toes, you idiots! This isn't a cartoon! This REALLY HURTS!!! DO SOMETHING!!! Get some sticks or something and help us pry these stupid turtles off our toes!"



The crewmen were true professionals. So, they all continued filming.



"Mike," Jenny McCarthy said through gritted teeth, clutching her right foot tightly as Myrtle bit the fleshy tip of her big toe and Pokey the Piggyeater munched on her pinky toe, "get some sticks or something, and GET THESE GODDAMNED TURTLES OFF OUR TOES! They're – these turtles are – they're EATING my bare toes! They've sunk their beaks into two of my toes, and THEY'RE EATING ME ALIVE! OOOOOOOOH! OH! OWWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH! GET THESE GODDAMNED TURTLES OFF MY TOES!"



Mike was one of Jenny's personal assistants. He found some pencils, got two of the other members of the crew together, and jumped into the garden pool! Mike waded over to where Jenny was sitting. Sid, Mike's assistant, jumped into the pool and waded over to Sarah Palin. Lenny, Sid's assistant, leapt into the garden pool and made his way over to Taylor.



The three men kneeled down in front of the three women. As they did so, Mike asked, "Hey! There aren't any more turtles in this pool, are there? I mean, I don't wanna get my nuts bitten off or something!"



Mrs. Van Brunt said, "No, I think it's just the six turtles. And they all seem busy with the young ladies' toes."



Mike inspected Jenny's right foot closely. He could see that Myrtle had pinched up a huge wad of flesh on the tip of Jenny's prominent big toe and that Myrtle was basically pinching the ever-living crap out of the tip of Jenny's bare toe!



Mike whistled and looked up at Jenny's face. "Jesus!" he said, "Bet that hurts like a son of a bitch, Boss!"



A look of fury flashed across Jenny's face. She leaned over and spat at Mike, "Of course it hurts like a son of a bitch, Mike! These turtles have really sharp, pointy beaks, and they're biting my bare toes as hard as they can! So, STOW THE COMMENTARY, MIKE, AND GET THESE GODDAMNED TURTLES OFF MY GODDAMN TOES BEFORE ONE OF THEM MANAGES TO BITE A TOE OFF, WILLYA?!?"



"Okay," Mike said, "okay!"



Mike put his face really close to Jenny's big toe and peered at Myrtle's jaws for a second or two. He then wedged a pencil into Myrtle's jaws and pried her loose from the tip of Jenny's right big toe!



As Mike pried Myrtle's upper jaw off Jenny's toe, Myrtle stabbed her lower beak into the tip of Jenny's toe all the harder in a vain attempt to hold onto her prey! So, as Mike pried Myrtle loose from the tip of Jenny's big toe, the pain intensified momentarily!



Jenny winced and shouted, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WOWWWWWWWCH!" as Mike pried Myrtle off the tip of her big toe! Myrtle fell back into the garden pool with a loud splash!



Mike then jammed a pencil into Pokey the Piggyeater's jaws and pried the menacing little reptile off of Jenny's pinky toe!



Sid followed Mike's lead and wdged a pencil deep into Harrying Harry's jaws! He then pried the turtle loose from Sarah Palin's big toe! He then used the pencil to pry Orville Bite'n'chomper off of Sarah's third and fourth toes!



Meanwhile, Taylor Swift Decided to take matters into her own hands!



I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! Taylor's mind screamed the words! She had to get these turtles off her toes before they bit her toes off!



Taylor let go of right her foot, and, still resting it on her knee, she groped at the edges of Yertle's shell with her fingers, looking for the best way to get a firm grip on his carapace.. She then grabbed Yertle firmly by the shell and tried to pull the vicious little mud turtle off her big toe.



But Yertle liked what he was tasting so much, that he wasn't about to let go of Taylor's toe any time soon! In fact, he was more determined than ever to make a snack out of the protruding tip of Taylor's big toe! It tasted soooooooooooooooooooo good!



Hey! Hey! HEY! Yertle thought. What's she doing now?!? WHY'S SHE YANKING ON ME?!? WHY'S SHE TUGGING ON MY SHELL?!? Doesn't she see I'm trying to eat some toe here?!?



Hey, Lady, Yertle thought, can't you see I'm TOTALLY PIGGING OUT on your perfectly scrumptious piggy?!? So…WHY ARE YOU TRYIN' TO PULL ME OFF YOUR TOE?!? Don't try to pull me off your big toe, Lady, 'cause I'm not lettin' go! I'm NEVER lettin' go! This toe is the tastiest damn thing I've ever bitten into, and IT'S MINE!!! So, quit pullin' on my shell, Lady! Quit tryin' to yank me off your tasty big toe, 'cause I'M NOT LETTIN' YOU PULL ME OFF! Your yummy big toe is MINE! I'm EATIN' IT, AND THAT'S THAT, LADY! YOUR TOE IS MINE!"



Yertle intensified his assault on Taylor's toe even more in response to her attempts to pull him off it! Taylor couldn't believe it when the pressure the turtle exerted on the tip of her toe seemed to escalate, causing her toe to erupt in fresh waves of agonizingly intense pain! The little mud turtle also started to do something new, He began tugging on the tip of Taylor's right big toe, moving his head backward, and pulling on the tip of her toe!



Taylor's eyes bulged, and she gasped! She screamed, "Holy Mother of God! He – he's YANKING on my toe! He's – he's moving his head backward, and – and – he – he's PULLING on the tip of my toe! He – he's trying to yank the tip of my toe off! He's trying to RIP a piece of flesh off the tip of my toe! Oh, no! Oh, no! OH, NO! GET THIS TURTLE OFF MY TOE BEFORE HE YANKS A PIECE OF MY FLESH OFF!"



Taylor yanked harder on Yertle! So, Yertle yanked harder on Taylor's toe! He also bit down harder and harder on its soft, fleshy tip! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK! PUUUUUUULL! CHOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP! Yertle jammed the sharp points of his cruel beak down, down, down against the sweet, tasty tip of Taylor's big toe, and he pulled backward on it with all his might! YAAAAAAAAAAAANK! PUUUUUUULL! TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK! CHOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP!



Cap'n Crunch, meanwhile, bit down on the tip of Taylor's middle toe as hard as he could! Cap'n Crunch felt that he might really be able to bite off the tip of Taylor's toe, and he was determined to do it!



Taylor screamed and squealed and screeched! She shrieked, "MY TOE! OH, MY GOD! MY TOE! MY -- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YOWWWWWWWWW! – MY BIG TOE! I'VE – OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  -- I'VE  GOTTA GET THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE TURTLE OFF MY TOE!"



Taylor pulled hard on Yertle's shell, and Yertle yanked savagely on her big toe! Taylor could actually see the felsshy, protruding tip of her big toe stretching away from her foot as if someone was stretching a rubber band or pulling taffy!



Taylor suddenly realized that pulling on Yertle was only going to trigger an even more intense assault on the tip of her big toe! She got the message the vicious little mud turtle was trying to send her! So, she eased off and pulled somewhat gingerly on Yertle, worried that if she pulled too hard on the tiny turtle, she would only anger the little mud turtle even more and maybe even help him succeed in biting a piece of the tip of her big toe off!



"OH, MY GOD!" Taylor shrieked. "OOOOOOOOOH! OH! OWWWWWWWWWW! This – this TURTLE isn't – OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – he isn't – OWWW! OWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – he isn't going to – to – OWWWWWWWWWWW! -- to let go of my --OWWWWWW! – my toe, until – until he -- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-YOWWWWWWWWWWWW! – until he – he BITES a – a -- piece of my toe off! And – and -- If I – if I – pull  on --OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – on his shell, he – he YANKS – he YANKS on –OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! – on my toe! When I try to pull him -- OWWWW! – pull  him – off – off my toe, he -- OWWWWWWWWW! – he just bites down harder on my – on my – toe! And – and  he --  OWWWWWWWW! – he YANKS on – on my toe – like – like – someone – STRETCHING a rubber band, or – or – or someone PULLING taffy! I can – OWWWWWWWWWW! – I can FEEL him tugging on my toe, and – and – I can actually – SEE – my – my toe being --OWWW! – being – STRETCHED – away from – from my foot!"



That's right, Lady! the hungry little mud turtle thought. I'm never lettin' go of your big toe! It tastes TOO DAMN GOOD! So, if you keep pullin' on my shell, you're only gonna succeed in helpin' me PULL YOUR BIG TOE OFF! Hey, wait a minute! WHAT AM I SAYIN'?!? That would be a GOOD thing! GO AHEAD, LADY! Yank on me some more! Tug on me REAL HARD! Try to yank me OFF your toe, Lady, so I can YANK YOUR TOE OFF YOU! I'LL YANK YOUR TOE RIGHT OFF YOUR FOOT, LADY! And once I've severed your toe from your foot, I'm gonna gobble it down! So, yeah, KEEP PULLIN', LADY! Keep pullin' on me, and I'll keep yankin' on your big toe! I'll yank it right off your foot, and then I'll be chompin' and chewin' and  chowin' down on a tasty morsel of  your big toe flesh in no time at all! OH, YEAH, I'M GONNA LOVE EATIN' YOUR BIG TOE, LADY! MMMM! MMMMM! GOOD!



Wave after wave after wave of horrific pain shot upward from the tip of Taylor's big toe to her brain as Yertle munched down harder and harder on the tip of her toe with brutal force and predatory determination! CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH! She could feel every little millimeter of movement as Yertle thrust the points of his beak harder and harder against her soft, tender toe flesh! JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB! It felt to Taylor as if someone was trying to carve up the tip of her big toe like it was some kind of plump, juicy Thanksgiving turkey!



And to make it all worse, Yertle continued to yank backward on the tip of her toe with all his might!



Taylor's eyes went even wider as she realized, To this little mud turtle, my big toe is like some kind of plump, juicy Thanksgiving turkey! And he's trying to carve up the tip of my big toe with his sharp little beak! The points of his beak are like knoves stabbing into my toe! OH! OH! OH! MY TOE! This turtle is slicing off a piece of my big toe so he can EAT it! So he can eat it LIKE IT'S A JUICY PIECE OF TURKEY! He's EATING my toe! He's actually EATING my toe! He's eating me alive!



Taylor kept screaming and shrieking in pain!



Finally, Lenny went to the assistance of poor Taylor Swift! Lenny  peered intently at Taylor's bare foot. He saw that Yertle was biting and tugging on the upward-curving, protruding tip of Taylor's big toe and that Cap'n Crunch was biting the tip of Taylor's middle toe.



"Yes, ma'am," Lenny said, "it appears that one turtle is biting your big toe, and the other one is biting your middle toe."



"I KNOW WHICH TOES THEY'VE BITTEN!" Taylor hissed.



He looked into Taylor's eyes and said earnestly, "Don't worry, Taylor, ma'am, I'll get these dirty little, toe-chompin' sonsofabitch off your toes!"



"Hurry!" Taylor said in an utterly panicked voice. "Oh, God! Hurry! I think this turtle has -- OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! MY TOE! -- has just about -- OH, GOD! MY TOE! -- has just about managed to bite the tip of my big toe off!"



"JESUS!" Lenny exclaimed.



Taylor looked at the asssitant with pleading eyes and implored him, "Please! Oh, God! Please! Don't let this turtle bite my -- OH! OH! OH! OWW! -- my toe off! Don't let him -- Jesus! -- don't let him -- Oh, God! My toe! My -- Jesus! -- my toe! -- don't let him eat my toe! My -- OOOOOOH! -- my poor, little piggy! Don't let him eat my bare piggy!"



Lenny said, "I'll do my best, ma'am!"



Lenny jammed the ruler he had into Yertle's jaws.



Hey! Hey! HEY! Yertle thought. WHO IS THIS GUY, AND WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOIN?!? IS HE -- ? OH, CRAP! HE IS! HE'S TRYIN' TO PRY ME OFF HER TOE! HE'S -- OH, HELL! -- HE'S PRYIN' ME OFF HER TOE!



With just a minute or two of effort, the custodian managed to pry the turtle loose from the protruding tip of Taylor's big toe.



Taylor squealed and screamed, "My toe! Jesus! My toe! Did the turtle get the tip of my my toe?!? Did he?!? Did he bite the tip of my big toe off?!?"



Taylor looked down at her right foot. The protruding, upward-curving tip of her big toe was battered and bruised, but it was still attached to her foot!



"Oh, thank God!" Taylor exclaimed. "my toe! My toe is still there! That little bastard didn't get my toe! Oh, praise Jesus! He didn't manage to bite the tip of my big toe off after all!"



Taylor then shouted, "Now get the other turtle off my middle toe!!!"



Lenny then used the ruler to pry Cap'n Crunch off Taylor's middle toe!



The women then scrambled out of the garden pool and sat down on the lawn. Each woman grabbed her right foot in both hands and wailed in pain, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, my toes! My beautiful toes!"
Here Part 5 of This Bizarre Story.
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